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Right now, I have nothing left to give


Some days I battle my ADHD and its limitations.

Some days I collide against my humanity.

Really battle.

Collide hard.

Fucking boom!

My aspirations and my desire to achieve are washed away by my inability to push myself further. Harder. Longer.

I run out of energy. I feel tired.

Too old.

Too lazy.

My brain just stops working. Refuses to work. It just grinds to a vicious halt.

So, when the brain stops I can’t achieve the goals I have set myself and the old signals and self sabotage kicks in:

‘You will never amount to anything.’

‘When the extra effort is needed you go missing.’

‘You give in right at the moment when the sacrifice will produce the results.’

And I know deep down in my gut that these old beliefs are regurgitated rhetoric from hundreds of self help books gathering dust in cardboard boxes all over the Western world.

And for some they may hold credence, but to me these books are destructive and dangerous. The self help premise can be passively aggressive and dangerous;

‘Unless you drive yourself to exhaustion you are a failure! Work, work, work!!’

And thankfully, I have learned to change the mantra.

My healthier self gently reminds me; ‘If you drive yourself to exhaustion you will be a failure. David, if you drive yourself to exhaustion you may die.’

Eventually, and probably by my own hand.

And the blade I self administer to my own heart will seem shiny and bright and attractive. Wrapped up in a sheath of cocaine, g strings and tequila.

A short term fantasy but another lifetime of regret.

Sounds dramatic, but no…… I have ADHD and my brain works differently.

My mind works upside down.

And I have only a few hours each day to do what is required in short, sharp, wonderful bursts.

And if I accept the limitations of those short, sharp bursts I can work miracles.

And that will do!

That’ll do…..

Need to read more?

 Alcoholism, ADHD, The Addiction Model, and Anxiety from One Day, One Life: P. 70. One Day One Life

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